i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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