textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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