I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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