I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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