I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
