at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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