i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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