Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We have so much sex to catch up on
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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