So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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