She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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