I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
