I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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