The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We left an ass print on the piano.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
