John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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