you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
