they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
