I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
