Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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