I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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