do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
