nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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