Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
