i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
