So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
