Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
