i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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