i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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