Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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