a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
