Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
