the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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