I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
