i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My life is pants optional.
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