Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
