hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
