I hate your face
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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