I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
