Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
