kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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