She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
