I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
