Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
