I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
