New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
