The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
