I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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