dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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