drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
