My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
