my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
